By Melissa Gerson, LCSW
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is a form of couples counseling that focuses on the emotional bond between partners. EFT was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s and has since become one of the most widely used approaches in couples’ therapy.
The Foundation of EFT: Attachment
EFT is grounded in attachment theory, which suggests that human beings have an innate need for close emotional bonds, or attachments, with others. Our need for closeness and connection is deeply rooted in our biology and evolution; we need others for our survival. From an attachment perspective, attachment needs are as central to us as our needs for shelter and nourishment.
Given the critical nature of human connections, when our most significant attachments are unresponsive or emotionally unavailable, distress sets in; we experience sadness, hurt, anger and fear. It’s as if our very survival is threatened so no wonder disruption to our bond with our partner can trigger so much intense emotion and protest. “Protest” as we call it in EFT, often comes in the form of pushing, pulling, criticizing, ignoring and other problematic emotional responses.
Demon Dialogues: The Foundation of Couples’ Conflict
EFT identifies a range of common negative protest interaction patterns that emerge for couples when their emotional connection is disrupted. We refer to these interaction patterns as “demon dialogues.” These dialogues typically involve repetitive, unproductive communication patterns that escalate conflict and distance between partners.
There are three primary demon dialogues in EFT:
Find the Bad Guy
In this demon dialogue, partners engage in a cycle of blaming and criticizing each other. Each partner focuses on the other’s faults or shortcomings, leading to a pattern of defensiveness and counter criticism. This dialogue often escalates conflict and reinforces feelings of resentment and hurt.
The Protest Polka
In this demon dialogue, one partner pursues the other for emotional connection or validation, while the other partner withdraws or avoids emotional engagement. This creates a push-pull dynamic where one partner seeks closeness and the other partner distances themselves, leading to feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Freeze and Flee
In this demon dialogue, both partners withdraw or shut down emotionally in response to conflict or stress. Instead of engaging with each other, they avoid confrontation and retreat into their own emotional shells. This dialogue can create a sense of emotional numbness and disconnection in the relationship.
These demon dialogues are called such because they contribute to a sense of emotional “hell” for couples, trapping them in negative patterns of interaction that erode trust, intimacy, and connection.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, the goal is to help couples recognize and break free from these demon dialogues by promoting more constructive communication patterns that foster emotional responsiveness, empathy, and connection. By understanding and transforming these negative interaction cycles, couples can create a more secure, loving, and fulfilling relationship.
How EFT for Couples Works
EFT focuses on emotions as central to attachment dynamics. Emotions are seen as signals of attachment needs, and the expression and regulation of emotions play a crucial role in shaping relationship interactions. By helping couples identify and express their underlying emotions, EFT aims to promote emotional responsiveness and intimacy.
The goal of EFT is to help couples create a secure attachment bond characterized by emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Through therapy, couples learn to recognize and meet each other’s attachment needs, fostering a sense of safety and trust in the relationship.
EFT helps couples identify and understand the negative patterns of interaction that contribute to relationship distress. These patterns often involve cycles of emotional reactivity, such as criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or escalation.
EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional expression and validation within the relationship. Couples learn to recognize and express their own emotions in a way that fosters empathy and understanding from their partner.
The goal of EFT is to create a secure emotional bond between partners. Through therapy, couples learn to provide emotional support and responsiveness to each other’s needs, creating a sense of safety and trust in the relationship.
EFT addresses past relationship wounds and traumas that may be impacting the current relationship dynamics. Couples work through these issues in a supportive and empathetic environment, promoting healing and forgiveness.
As progress is made in therapy, couples consolidate their gains and learn to maintain their improvements outside of therapy. This may involve setting goals for the relationship, practicing new skills, and addressing any remaining issues.
Overall, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy aims to help couples create a stronger, more secure, and more fulfilling emotional bond, leading to greater intimacy, connection, and satisfaction in the relationship.
Does EFT Work?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples has garnered substantial research support over the years, demonstrating its effectiveness in improving relationship satisfaction, communication, and overall well-being.
Here are some key findings from research studies on EFT for couples:
Numerous clinical trials and outcome studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of EFT in improving relationship functioning and reducing distress for couples across diverse populations and relationship issues. Meta-analyses of EFT studies consistently show large effect sizes for improvements in relationship satisfaction and reductions in relationship distress.
Research suggests that the benefits of EFT are often sustained over time. Follow-up studies have shown that couples who undergo EFT maintain their gains in relationship satisfaction and continue to experience improvements in their relationship even months or years after completing therapy.
EFT has been found to be as effective as or more effective than other forms of couples therapy in improving relationship outcomes. Studies comparing EFT to other approaches, such as behavioral couples therapy or integrative couples therapy, have generally found similar or better outcomes for couples receiving EFT.
Research has also examined the mechanisms through which EFT produces positive outcomes. Studies have found that changes in emotional expression, attachment security, and relationship patterns mediate the effects of EFT on relationship satisfaction and distress.
Overall, the research support for Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is robust and continues to grow, providing strong evidence for its effectiveness in helping couples build stronger, more secure, and more satisfying relationships.